Oh yes, it’s that time of year again, New Year’s resolution time. Each year, millions of Canadians will resolve to kick their bad habits. This can range from smoking to losing weight. And, each year many will fail at these goals. By following a simple plan, you can be well on your way to maintaining your resolution.

Before making a resolution, have a heart to heart talk with yourself. What is it about your life that you do not like? Is there a feasible way to change it? Will the goal benefit your life? By answering these questions, you can set a resolution that is easy to achieve.

The key to success in any resolution is being well prepared. Keep a diary of your daily activities. This will include things like television viewing and eating habits. Once you have a general idea of how you spend your time, you can begin making small changes toward your goal. For instance, if fitness with weight loss is your main goal then see where you can free up some time. Perhaps you can plan a kickboxing class on Tuesday and Thursday evenings. After kickboxing, prepare a light/healthy dinner and go to bed early. You are committing two nights per week toward your goal. If two classes are too much, then commit to one evening. Set small goals and build on them. On the other days, incorporate a little cardio into your day i.e. walk up a flight of stairs.

Many people will fail at resolutions because they try to give bad habits up too quickly. By doing this, one will feel deprived or overwhelmed and go back to their old routine.

Tell your family and friends about your goals. They can serve as a great support system for you.

Maintaining a resolution will not be easy. If you have set up many resolutions, prioritize and focus on one at a time. This will help you stay focused. Hold yourself accountable. Do not blame failure on others. Remember, it is up to you to change bad habits. When failure occurs, and it will, do not give up, get right back at it. Persistence will pay off. Set small goals that are easy to achieve. Once you have reached these smaller goals, reward yourself. Keep track of your progress from start to finish in a journal or calendar. Determination is the key ingredient for success with your resolution. You can do it! Happy New Year Everyone.

I was in Whistler for a couple of days recently with my youngest son. What a treat!

I was taking a few days off and my son was in that confusing part of a life transition. We, therapists, call it the ‘neutral zone’ or ‘limbo’ i.e. ‘the nowhere between two somewheres’. Chris had recently graduated from university ( the old somewhere) and was currently job-hunting for creative and meaningful work ( the new somewhere).

Chris is realistic – Thank Goodness. He wants his career path to eventually give him a comfortable lifestyle. His frustration was mounting as the leads were not materializing or people were not getting back to him as fast as he thought they would. He has an opportunity to get into a business situation which he would be good at. But, he wanted something on the creative side.

In any event, I could see him struggling and I offered that ‘he get out of Dodge” for a few days and play a little golf with his Mom. Surprised and happy that he said ‘yes’ I searched the internet for deals.

My goal for our couple of days together was to listen to him, not to ask questions. ( This is hard for me as I listen for a living and when with my adult kids, I want to know what’s happening).

When I picked him up en route to Whistler, the rap music went on and 20 minutes into the drive the rain started. Oh Geez…

We were booked to play at the Squamish golf course. It was pouring rain when we arrived. I suggested an early lunch. The rain stopped and we had a sunny afternoon of golf. If we talked during the 4.25 hour round it was about golf shots: ‘ good shot’ ‘tough luck’ ‘ bunker on the left’.

On the drive from Squamish to Whistler, the rap music went on and I stayed quiet ( hard for me…).

We checked into our hotel, changed and went for dinner. At dinner, he started sharing and he continued to do so at mealtimes.

When my son shared his struggles, I let him articulate his thought processes without judgement. My question were few and open ended so that he could explore deeper. He outlined his options, he articulated that he could be creative in the business opportunity ( default position). He felt that he would need to make a decision soon.

I validated the transition he was in and that it was a difficult place to be. I said that I know he would make a decision that was right for him. We headed home, rap music went on….

Two days later he called me, a good opportunity came through, he will be going east. It is an early first step toward his career dream.

Patience is prayer and it is also the answer to your prayer.

It is no secret that I love to play golf. The need to be active is in my DNA. And, when I am active on a routine basis I am more creative. We all are.

In order to re-calibrate myself I often go to the driving range to hit golf balls. I focus solely on my swing and in making contact with the ball. Really, sessions at the driving range is like doing yoga for me.

I find my tempo as I settle into the routine of hitting golf balls. I am relaxed, focused and gradually I enter a state of mindfulness as all other responsibilities are shelved for this time. Coming out of the practice session is like a breath of psychological air – I have a new perspective on challenging issues.

Recently as I headed to the driving range, I witnessed an elderly woman at the chipping area. She had to be in her 80′s. She had curly white hair, she was hunched over which was partly due to her age and partly due to her swing. She was focused, determined and the majority of her chip shots were landing within 18 inches of the hole. I marvelled at her determination and her focus. I smiled at her and said ‘Hi’. She replied “Hello” and laughed with “Given my age, chipping is the one area of the game that I can still improve on.” I replied that “it doesn’t look like you need much improvement”. She anwered ” this game has been very good to me for many years, and I love the solitary practice”.

As part of our life routine, it is important to find at least one activity that we can enjoy and become mindful in. Hitting golf balls is one activity, practicing a musical instrument is another, gardening, pottery etc. something that lets you enter that state of mindfulness.

When challenges enter your life ( i.e. a divorce, a job loss, anxiety or anger) having an activity already established that allows you to enter the state of mindfulness helps you get grounded and enables you to navigate the difficult times more effectively.

Yes, Canuck fever has catapulted me back into blogging. What a series this has been!! Many of my clients of late have said something about the exciting Vancouver team during our chit-chat that precedes our session start.

What has stayed with me since Game 6 with San Jose was Henrik Sedin’s comment during his interview prior to sudden-death overtime. Sedin appeared confident and relaxed as he revealed Alain Vigneault’s message to the team : ‘to stay in the moment and have fun’. Wow! This message, simple yet powerful, to a high performance team is coaching at its best. Why? because it is a message highlighting the state of mindfulness. Vigneault is conveying to his team that he trusts their talents, their efforts and their preparedness and therefore all that is left is for them to enjoy the experience. With this trust and encouragement, his players are focused in the moment while confident in their play i.e. not worried about making a mistake.

The lesson for all of us here is to work hard, prepare well and then trust our ability to execute confidently while enjoying the experience, be it a job interview, an exam or a task. It is also a lesson on how we encourage others i.e. our team members, our employees, life partners or our children when they are faced with a project. ‘ Stay in the moment and have fun’ is a statement that highlights our trust in them which will ignite their belief in themselves.

Go Canucks Go!

Speaking truthfully, we humans, are afraid of only two things in life: 1) that someone or something can hurt us physically; and 2) that someone will reject us emotionally. Let me focus on #2 because herein lies the seed to many problematic relationships.

In reviewing my case load for the coming week, I noted many similarities with a number of my male clients booked in to see me. These men have highly successful careers with issues of low self-esteem. Sounds paradoxical, eh?

Let me elaborate a little on their collective profiles: they range in age from 28 – 54; married, partnered; just out of a relationship. The triggering incidents that catapulted them into my office were: escalation in anger with an uncharacteristic outburst at work; first panic attack; affair; increased alcohol use upsetting children; road rage incident. All these men reported to be unhappy. They conducted themselves one way at work and a different way at home. Safe in my office, they could show their vulnerabillity.

At work, these men were respected and listened to. They executed decisions, they sought out opportunities, they were leaders in their field and they mentored subordinates. Yet at home, they had no voice. They feared conflict, they feared an angry reaction from their partner and mostly they feared rejection. So they avoided conflict at all cost. They learned not to challenge. They gave in to keep the peace. Yes, these men suffered from low self-esteem. They were hurting. They were co-dependents.

Simply put a co-dependent relationship is one where we place other people’s ( in this case their partners/spouses) needs/wants almost always ahead of our own. We give when we really don’t want to. We give to keep the peace. We say ‘yes’ to others and ‘no’ to ourselves.

‘Heal thyself first” is what must happen before any relationship has a chance of working out. Once individual clients can first focus on re-building their own self-esteem by learning to value themselves first, finding their voice and acknowldeging their own needs then work on the couple relationship can begin.

Go ahead, say ” YEEEE-SSSSS” to yourself a few times this Easter long weekend!

Recently, I took on a number of clients who are working out issues in their relationships. Usually one or both of the partners in the couple relationship end up in my counselling office due to a major blow up or due to weeks/months of a ‘cold war’ atmosphere in the home.

Their main issue is ‘communication’ i.e “We just do not communicate” ” My spouse just doesn’t understand me” ” My husband never shares his feelings with me” “My girlfriend expects me to know what is on her mind”.

In uncovering the pattern of a couple’s communication style, what is often revealed is that “texting” has become their major mode of communication. Couples are texting each other when in the same house / condo, and I mean perhaps one is in the room next door. Trouble happens when one partner decides to bring up an important issue face-to-face, usually just before bed or just as someone is leaving for work. What ensues is conflict, unpleasentness and angry texting in the days ahead. Texting becomes for many a safe avenue to vent while it poisons the relationship even more.

In communication the words themselves account for only 10% of the communication. It is our tone and pace of voice, our facial expression, our eyes and our body language that accounts for the other 90% of communication. Think about it: How many romantic dinners have fizzled out because one or both partners had been more intimate with their iphone than with their dinner date.

Texting is very useful for quick message bites: ” I am running late, stuck in traffic” ” Could you please pick up some milk” ” I am going to yoga, are you?”

Learn how to communicate effectively without the gadgets and I will bet that all of your relationships will improve including your lovelife.